after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
The vagina on Hilton Head is mighty fine this time of year.
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
I don't know what was up he just kept sitting in his chair smoking weed and watching home movies all night it was weird as fuck.
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
We had sex and I never took my mets hat off... I feel like Duda knows and approves.
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
His parents bailed him out, the police said they found him on a curb trying to call people on his wallet, hahha. He had his wallet open to his ear callin people
Randomize
