no, he came in my armpit
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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