Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
Soooo billy mays was on coke. I'm about as shocked as I was when Clay Aiken came out
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
Randomize
