Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
I think the world is coming to an end. Earthquakes, huricanes, floods, and now you say you LOVE him. Im building a shelter and going into hiding.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
In either case, seeing now as it's basically two couples, unless we're planning to have a good old fashion orgy I think this isn't going to work out so well.
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
Randomize
