I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
all i know is that each time we woke up we were at a different chinese restaurant. help.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
I think I'd be more bothered by his cross dressing if I wasn't secretly into women..,
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
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