one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
Met some locals. They are taking me to a place where there is topless bullriding. I love this country.
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
Randomize
