Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
If you borrow your friends real doll, should you wear a condom?
Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
He says he won't get serious until he screws an Asian and a virgin. I should just place an ad on Craig's List
Wanted: female 18-24 of Asian or partial Asian descent to fuck my ginger boyfriend. Must be willing and able to fake virginity. No emotional connection needed, just sex, just once. Further contact post sex not needed (or particularly desired)
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
Of course it may just be the context. A dish of dog food would look lovely next to your breasts.
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Randomize
