fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
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