the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
And our DD is passed out in the bathtub with the curtain closed. What happened tonight
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
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