I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
walk of shame with early morning football tailgaters. niice.
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
He is currently passed out on his toilet. Point day drinking.
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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