I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
just as he was about to cum he started shouting "I THINK I CAN! I THINK I CAN!" over and over again.
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
Randomize
