I murdered the dance floor call the cops
Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
I may be Daddy's little princess, but doesn't mean I can't be the blowjob queen.
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
