I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
Randomize
