i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
No idea but I'm preparing for 4 tequila shots and tons of vomit
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
Randomize
