I'm going to let the use of the word "hella" slide considering I have sperm older than you.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
Idk. I'm naked in front of the computer eating ribs. All is right with the world.
That's so nerdy and hot at the same time.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
Randomize
