My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
Relationship's official after skype sex--college kid at his finest.
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Randomize
