i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
He said that if more girls show up hes not going to ask ages... Spoken like a true sex offender
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
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