so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
Randomize
