there's a lady drinking out of a red cup in class. HAPPY FRIDAY
omg. don't know how to spell his name, but hot new zealand guy's dick is magic
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
