I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
If I see one more duchette wearing Ed Hardy, but not actually having a real tattoo. I swear Im gonna shank a bitch.
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
