my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
