dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
being a senior sucks, I just started embracing my inner slutty college girl, and it's almost time to put her away...for like, ever. and i really like her.
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
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