Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
My underwear smells like fireworks.
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
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