and when i put it inside her she yelled "welcome aboard!"
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
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