Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
Hurricane Sex Time is the only thing iv said since it started.
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
Randomize
