I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
Randomize
