no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
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