Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
Having an 'SDSU Mom' sticker is just like say 'Hi, my daughter has an std"
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
I think u should go home and go to bed. If u get arrested in the Ohio river u go to jail in Kentucky. Nobody wants to go to jail in KY.
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
Randomize
