just so you know, the uglier twin gives better bjs..don't be deceived
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
how did he go about obtaining bull sperm?
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
Randomize
