Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
maybe if you didn't yell 'buh duh duh da duh da dats all folks' when you came she wouldn't have left last night
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
What's he like?
The usual. Sarcastic, dark, full of fucked up emotional problems that result in fantastic sexual prowess.
There's a difference between southern and inbred. She just doesn't know that yet.
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
Randomize
