I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
When did we start counting Thursdays as weekends?
When we got our fake ids in grade 11, why?
I just feel like it's time to start counting wednesdays as well...
Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
i think i can safely say that is the weirdest thing you've ever propositioned me with. so obviously my answer is yes.
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
I literally put my pussy on his sideburns, it was awkward
There's a lil minaj in everyone
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
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