I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
when I called the strip club they said there was a note with my credit card. "girl who punched guy in throat" fuck daytona
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
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