A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
Randomize
