K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
Randomize
