Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
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