You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
Randomize
