I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
Please don't give away my fajitas
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
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