dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
there were no ball for pong so he bought cat toys..... they had bells in them
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
Sorry I twat blocked you earlier I didn't know Sam was over. But, my house my rules, I don't have to knock before I enter. I did see naked butts and smelt "Sex Stank" in the air, we're going to have to set some ground rules when I get home. Hugs and kisses..Mom
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
