i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
Randomize
