I am spending my child support on dildos
You should swallow it and be like the ticking crocodile. Only you play Still of the Night.
okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
Um, I don't really remember much about the event... and then I woke up on the metro..
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
Randomize
