Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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