She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
I fucking hate humanity. I met a twenty three year old adult with an aol email account today. I'm not sure how those things are related, but I'm sure they are.
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
Randomize
