is it wrong that i woudl like to tie u down to the baby changing station using the straps provided?
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
So after i got done, she went over and got out her gecko, I felt like I was in an X rated geiko commercial.
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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