I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
Finished the final in under ten minutes and then puked in the bushes outside. I don't even care if I graduate anymore.
I've reached the slutty point of no return. And it feels like multiple orgasms and coke lines
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize
