I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
