Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
Stripperoke is exactly what it sounds...
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
Randomize
