Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
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