Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
FUCK YOU CALIFORNIA. YOU DO NOTHING RIGHT. FIRST PROP 8 AND NOW THIS.
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
Solid teamwork gives us a good shout of both bringing home trophy cougs
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
Its everclear night, yall need carbs in your body!
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
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