my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
Awww I'm so proud! Starting friendships before you hook up!
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
Randomize
