Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
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