It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
Randomize
