Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
What's the protocol for seeing the two girls you've been sleeping with in the store WHILE buying condoms?
3some
You're right, stupid question.
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
Randomize
