Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
Is it possible for Craig Seger to wear a normal suit and not look like an asshole on national tv?
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
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